{The Terrible, Horibble, No Good, Very Bad Day}

Well the title sums it up.  Today....err...more like last night was rough.  It was the essence of what makes having a newborn hard.  I did not sleep.  AT ALL.  It has been no secret that Luke was a terrible sleeper.  His first year was hard and lacked many hours of sleep, so much that sometimes you would find me in the fetal position on his rug in his nursery praying that he would go to bed.  So when we found out that we were expecting this time around, I first prayed for a healthy baby, then very quickly after that, I prayed for a sleeper.  Now I don't know many 9 day old babies that sleep all that well, but apparently that is what I was expecting.

Last night I fed Ben around 11:15, went to bed myself around 11:30 and hoped for the best.  The previous few nights were challenging with many wake-ups, but I was handling it well (or so I thought).  Last night, Ben woke up at 1:00 am.  Then at 2:00 am.  Then he stayed awake till 5:00 am or so.  That was a long 3 hours.  After finally falling asleep, he then woke again at 7:00 am.  And shuffled in those hours were challenges with nursing...mostly from me being engorged and Ben not having it and/or choking and just giving up with it.  When I woke up and realized how the night went, my hope for a sleeper flew out the window.  I took one extremely hard night (after several hard nights that totalled one tired mama) and immediately thought we were doomed.  That last night was going to be every night and I was never going to sleep again.

So today was hard.  There were many, many tears shed.  Some came out when I talked to my mom or sister wondering what I was doing wrong - that why both my boys could never make it to even 2 hours in the middle of the night.  Some tears came out as I sat on the bathroom floor alone trying not to let Luke and Chat see me. I was already feeling like a failure and I think it stems from my experience with Luke and that I was so afraid my infant experience was on repeat.  Why was I taking this so darn hard?

BUT...I am trying not to overthink this.  I am trying to not make assumptions based on one night.  And one night when Ben is only 9 days old.  I need to give it more time.  I need to get a few winks tonight and try to wake up on the right side of the bed and realize this is temporary.  TEMPORARY.  Ben is a sweet, beautiful baby who I just love and am enjoying so much.  Eventually he will make it to 2 to 3 hours before waking at night.  I need to focus on enjoying him, try to take a nap during the day and know that one day I will sleep again.